#181 Stuart Hollow Brook Shelter to Stealth Camp - Day 106: MM1477.1 - MM1498.4
Are dreams worth all the struggles? Well, that’s up to the dreamer.
5-2-2023 Tuesday
The day starts with a flat river walk for nearly three miles along the Housatonic River. The trail merges just a few feet from the water from time to time, and only a few inches higher in a few spots.
I’d better enjoy this warmup; many miles of tough climbing lie beyond.
Shortly into the first climb the rain begins to fall. I’ve been rained on every day for a week now. Maybe today will be the day it stops for a while.
A dangerous river crossing between the base of two mountains is very similar to the one I crossed nine days ago.
Again, I decide to leave my boots on and plow through - it’s better you sacrifice your feet, and make it across safely, than trying to preserve them on a dangerous boulder scramble, slip, and have your whole body, pack and all, become submerged, most likely resulting in injuries or worse.
Again, the water is knee deep and swift. My poles vibrate in the powerful current. The bottom is slick and rocky.
Water squirts from my boots through the holes Pennsylvania poked in them as I climb out the other side of the raging river.
I’ll stop regularly throughout the rest of the day to change socks, to assist in drying out my boots.
My mind is on money today - or rather the lack thereof.
It’s a huge distraction.
Common sense tells me I need to get back home and back to work. I’m missing out on thousands of dollars a month of income while simultaneously spending what I need to complete this hike.
I saved up quite a bit before coming out here, but between the recession jacking up prices of resupply on the trail and prices in the northeast being far more expensive than of that in the south, money disappears quickly.
Bills still come in at home, which are also rising thanks to the recession. Money is disappearing quickly there as well.
We make decent money, but like everyone else, it doesn’t go very far these days.
Why don’t you just go home?
I’m glad you asked.
(Reminder for long term readers and a snapshot to newer readers)
These hikes I do are not a vacation or about having fun.
There’s something that goes beyond simply wanting to hike the Appalachian Trail that’s driving this.
To be honest, I’ve never had a desire to hike the entire trail - yet here I am.
It was something my son wanted us to do together. Life changes and unexpected dark days have led me here on a search for peace - “Hiking the trail in memory of a dream a father and son once shared”.
Now it’s something that can’t be avoided.
Since 2018, the hikes have been about healing and regaining my composure. I have not been myself for a very long time, but I am getting better. I experienced a huge leap yesterday.
The notes I’ve jotted down while on the trail throughout the course of these section hikes have become short stories about trail life.
At home, my writings in real time about the things that negatively affected mental health, have become part of the healing process.
For many years, writing about my relationship with my son has been a way for me to organize my thoughts and clear a cluttered mind.
It’s a story I’ve dedicated a lot of time to writing over the past several years.
I try to write about how bad can be used for good. Sometimes, out of nightmares, dreams arise.
I have a dream of turning these stories into physical books to (1) let people know there can be hope after hopelessness, (2) that relationships can be reconciled, and (3) allowing people who want to hike the trail, but can’t for whatever reason, experience day-to-day life on the trail through the written word.
With all the trouble, effort, time, expense, financial uncertainty, separation from home, and long hours each day siting at my computer sharing my life with anyone who wants to read about it; are dreams worth all the struggles?
Well, that’s up to the dreamer.
I think it is worth it, though some days are tough.
Is there a price too big to put on dreams?
If so, my wife is paying it.
Some days I wish could be a regular guy - waking up every day and making a lot of money in a predictable career. Having investments and properties and five vacations a year to high-end destinations and a solid portfolio and a real nice life plan, so I can be just like most everyone else, and still be unhappy, just like most everyone else.
I guess if I really wanted that life, it would be the life I’d be living.
Some who do live that life wish they had the freedom and adventures I have.
They have money, but little time. I have time, but little money.
My wife is patient. She knows the trail doesn’t go on forever. There will be an end to all this walking.
When I complete the trail, hopefully in 2024, I plan to spend time turning the blog posts into physical books.
I guess, in a way, that is a plan, but it’s choppy as hell and will take time.
The dream of writing a series of book doesn’t come without its costs. Starving artists everywhere know the struggle. Maybe it’ll work out, maybe it won’t. Either way, I am slowly getting back to my old self, my pre-2018 self, where I’m gaining in control of my life again.
When I finish this section in a couple of weeks I’ll head back to work and build our funds back up.
Or donate here to help support my final hike this autumn - Hanover, New Hampshire to Mt Katahdin in Maine (443 miles)
